Friday, June 10, 2005
Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
No, I have not just watched the highlights of Evs warming up before the game, seen Marton playing knee keepy uppy at half time or even slapped in Cowan’s DVD of him Snowboard in ‘nowt but a thong.’ I am simply reminiscing about last nights ‘action.’
In a feeble attempt to mask the truth, I shall be using code names from now on, ok? Evs will be Mr E and that old bird he snogged down the Waterman’s will be Mrs Saggy baps av’ some come ere’ darling you love it.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
There are some moments in sporting life that will live on in our hearts and minds forever.
Keegan ranting about how much he loves Ferguson (or something like that,) Big Ron throwing off his headphones after getting shirty with Keys after a post match Sky interview and Evs’ face after last night! Sorry, Mr E’s face after he had got it on with some old bird who clearly has not had any since HT last scored! Absolute comedy!
Onto the action.
Fury knew they needed some points from this weeks games. A previous tally of 3 form 6 had seen the former champions sat bottom of the table. A position my father always said was the one filled by the strongest team of the league, as they had to hold everyone else up. Thanks Dad.
Facing Loughton, Fury knew they were in for a battling game of hard tackles and aggressive fouls. Something most of our team excel at. Apart from Marton who is far too nice.
Early blows were exchanged, but Future were looking strong and peppered the Loughton goal with some fine early chances.
The defence was looking better than it ever, with Smithy fouling like days of old in the midfield and Evs and Marton getting some fine blocks and tackles in.
Ginger Nuts was sent through by Dalts who was impressing in the midfield. The ginger warrior only had the keeper to beat from 8 yards and pulled back his lanky right boot only to be upended in a very unceremonious fashion and land 5 feet away on a crumpled ginger heap of ‘Oh for fucks sake ref!’
The offending player walked away smirking something about inferior genes and was allowed to play on rather controversially. Obviously we wasted the free kick with some fancy Dan routine but all was not lost.
Second half with the opposite GK checking the nets behind the goal, Evs slotted home from 10 yards in cool style. Early opinions were that is was an ‘alright’ goal, keeper was rubbish though, later analysis revealed it was rubbish and anyone could of scored and we were just relieved the lusty Welshman had not blasted over into the Howard Malone Stand, citing some shit about differently inflated bladders.
1-0 and the fury fires were lit. Every tackle was won, or the other guy got booted, either way, it was a cracking game to play in and win…
Unfortunately, the otherwise excellent ref then played a controversial advantage from a high ball that the Fury players had stopped playing for and were left exposed to a quick shot and equalising goal.
Evs later explained he was not caught off guard and was simply in a terrible position.
1-1 but a solid point had been won.
Marton had to come off late on after being mounted by Loughton’s hairiest sub, and looked a little upset with the unwanted intrusion. Questions were asked. Our best wishes go out to you Marton.
Onto Athletico who lets face it, really are crap, but they did us last week, as we could not finish for toffee. Or any sweat come to think of it, but fortunately Gammy was away this week and we decided to score goals this time round, rather that cock up the whole season with strikes that resembled the increasingly dull Fire strikes of last summer in that they went well wide of the mark and pissed off everyone who had to see them! (Only kidding Gammy!)
So Smithy put one home with a delicate outside of the boot job. We played rubbish but beat them. Job done.
Quote of the week: Jim to Dalts and HT – “I am not sure if it is the defence’s fault this season, we have played well and I think it is more the chances we are missing the other end of the pitch.”
HT to Jim – “Well we have let in more goals than anyone else Jim. If you look at the league.”
Man of the Match – James Evans for so many reasons! Last of all his goal.
Friday, June 03, 2005
“EASY. EASY. EASY. EASY … “
Struggling for position like Mark Cowan on a gay jaunt around a soap factory, Future Fury’s downward spiral embraced previously untapped proportions of uselessness on Thursday night as Clueless Cohen led his troops to back-to-back league defeats.
The Laser Blue Losers now sit bottom of the Premiership, grasping pathetically at any crumb of comfort having mustered up the firepower of tatty water pistol.
Displaying all the tactical nous of a scrotum, Cohen drummed his troops up beforehand by previewing two must-win games against Athletico North Trust, officially the worst team in the league.
Imagine how we laughed then as perennial champions Wharf Boys strode onto the Island Gardens playing surface, greased limbs shimmering like metallic beacons in the dappled early evening sunlight.
“Aah bollocks, what the blazers are them lot doing here?” came the shout from a confused Fury member.
Looking to Ginger Nuts for an answer, the usual blank pug-faced, shrugged shouldered expression came back, and like it or not the Fury were in for a roasting.
The first-half was an even affair though; Dalton operating as a midfield lynchpin (he was meant to be a striker, but more of that later); Cowan operating as a midfield battle ram (he was meant to be a footballer); and Saul operating as a pacy winger (he was meant to be at home watching Neighbours).
Goalless at the interval, goalkeeper Sid announced he was in the zone, “just call me Jerzy” came the cry from the balding warrior, “I’m staying in nets goddam you, mofo’s”.
Predictably then, within two minutes of the restart, Wharf Boys’ leggy streak of urine strode through, brushing off the attentions of Marton and his seven knees, to stab the opener into the far corner.
Elastic-limbed Cohen began the fightback, timewasting nicely in the corner, and as Dalts became even more frustrated at the lack of openings in the final third, Gammy added to the pressure by ballooning over when it looked easier to score.
Streaky plundered a second in the dying seconds and Fury had it all to do in the second match. Surely they couldn’t lose this one as well?You bet your life they fokkin could.
To sum up opponents Athletic North Trust prior to kick-off. This bunch of misfits are the sweaty scabby pimple on the tanned arse of football’s HFS Loans League. They are a festering pustule of phlegm, delivered from the throat of an unkempt gypsy whose last wash was involuntarily brought when flicking through the TV times and stumbling across a picture of Vanessa Feltz in a poolside fashion shoot. So then …
Athletic North Trust 2-0 Future Fury
That hardly painted the picture though. Gammy went through early on and ballooned over when it looked easier to score, Dalts ran just short of a marathon around the penalty box without once having a pop, Cowan – seemingly on drugs again for much of the night - started a small earth tremor in Malawi with a canon off of the goalpost, while Saul, Cohen and even Marton also punted at goal.
Sometimes, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Sometimes, the Gods aren’t smiling.
Sometimes, Gammy balloons it when it looks easier to score.
Sometimes, the referee is a cunt. Infact, that’s most of the time … if not all of the time.
Sometimes, great teams get relegated. Think … Norwich, Palace, Southampton, and Leigh RMI.
As Uri Geller once muttered, “draw strength from weakness” – analyse all that your opponents can’t do, then force them to do it. His other motto was “anybody got a spare key”, but that’s irrelevant.
Just remember though troops, it could always be worse. Blackburn once had a footballer called Simon Stainrod who once came up against Luton midfielder Ashley Grimes. I’ll leave the rest for your imagination. If your brain can’t stretch that far, Cowan has photos …
Friday, May 27, 2005
Loughton and Wharf Boys. Bitter rivalries and scores to settle. Lucky The Fury had their first team out. Well, we did until Neil ‘Ooh my head’ Smith turned up to work with a hangover and pulled out quicker than Cowan on 18-30’s holidaymaker once she told him she wasn’t on the pill anymore.
Still, the Fury marched on and the remaining Furyites headed down to Island Gardens for the battle.
Marton and Hot Toddy, ‘working late’ travelled down later on, and were greeted by The Cat, Ginger Nuts Gamm n’ Eggs and Sid playing some nimble and majestic park football by the station. A place now of legends, not only as it has now been graced by some Fury members, but it was the birthplace of this joke.
“How do you get wood out of a Dog?”
“Make it bark.”
Onto Loughton. And after a ‘brief’ tactical run down from Tom on our new formation of 1-3-1 the Fury were ready.
After 10 seconds Marton, looking confused at the new system, asked Ginger Jim if we could change it round.
“Nah, give it a few minutes mate.”
“Ok… Gammy, push on, we are playing 2-3 again.”
Worth a shot.
The Fury looked solid, but lacked creativity and HT was strangely quiet and looked a little ‘jaded’ in the summer heat. Two very unfortunate deflections of Marton immense thigh and Sid’s leg put the Fury boys down by 2. A real shame as the midfield had been tracking back very well, Gamm n’ Eggs in particular showing some great fitness.
Ginger nuts then fed HT down the left flank who cut it back to Panini. The midfield pin up struck the ball first time and the ball spun into the bottom corner. 2-1 and game on.
Pushing on for the equaliser, Fury left themselves a little exposed and Loughton managed another before the and to leave the final score 3-1 and a disappointed Fury felt they deserved better, but knew they had to be a little more creative in midfield.
With no half time oranges, Fury had to spend the break actually watching some football. A little odd, and certainly very dull.
Wharf Boys always pose a threat but with a few men out and playing back to back, The Fury felt this may be there chance.
Some early attacks were easily snuffed out and Fury were looking pretty strong, especially Gamm n Eggs who put ion some fierce challenges and set some of the Wharf Boys off. Always good! Unfortunately again, passing was a problem and a few stray balls put the Fury defence under extra pressure, but some fine saves by Tom kept us in it.
HT and Dalts went close and Gamm n’ Eggs was looking strong in midfield. A snap shot by Wharf found the far corner and the Fury were a goal down, but certainly not down hearted, they knew they still had a chance.
They didn’t and we lost, but hey, we gave them a good fight.
Shocking news was to follow with HT’s confession of being absolutely wankered for the entire games after spending the entire afternoon down the boozer! Well at least he turned up aye Smithy!
Ginger Nuts then stood in some pampers in the street and lit his farts. You know, normal Thursday stuff.
Quote of the week.
GN to HT – “You know I genuinely did not know Darlo didn’t make the playoffs.”
HT to GN – “Like bugger you didn’t!”
MOM – Gamm n’ Eggs
Friday, May 20, 2005
COHEN DOES A COHEN
Facing newly promoted Comm. Direct, a depleted Fury side looked confident in the result if a little confused on the formation. Midfield hard-man Neil Smith lined up in defence in front of usual centre half Ginger nuts who took up his post in goal for the absent Denning.
Fury always looked strong and confident in the game, creating numerous chances, but only converting two, both from Man of the Match Man Dalton who took on the shooting boots of Hot Toddy of old. The man himself looked slightly off form with a few chances the glanced just wide. The Toddy hammer was unleashed on one occasion but it just was not the northern shooters day.
Heads were held and the fans were not happy, but as Ginger nuts said in the press conference later on,
“You can’t argue with 3 points.”
Comm. Direct will pose a threat in this league; they have some tricky players, just alack of discipline at the back.
Their goal came from a debateable foul from Smithy who had excelled in his more defensive role. Ginger Nuts, fearing for the ref’s safety at Smithy’s frustration went to console the hairy east ender, whilst Comm. Direct calmly placed the ball into the back of the unguarded net from the free kick.
Not deserved, earnt or pretty. But unlike the innumerate northerners, “they all count.”
3 points in the bag and the new season of to a solid start. HMM warmed up quietly on the sidelines as the Fury watched Comm. Direct play their second game against fellow new boys Athletico North Trust. Comm. Direct took the lead and celebrated in style, the scorer whipping of his shirt and running to the subs n the sidelines and was dually sin binned. The ref had set the tone.
HMM are always a solid outfit and they had the first team out for their season opener.
Cohen Started out on field, with Dalts fitting in at the back and Smithy taking a half in nets. This meant a lightweight Fury midfield were over-ran and outplayed for the first 5 minutes as HMM passed the ball around the midfield and created a number of good chances, one of which found a free man on the right side who calmly slotted home for the opener. Tracking back in 6-a-side is always key and Fury needed to learn their lesson quickly if they were to get back in this game.
Hicksy and Gammy combined well on the right and created a chance for HT who fired narrowly wide. Dalton moved up into midfield and The fury managed to get a grip on the game again and started to impose themselves on the HMM back line.
Second half, Cohen went back in nets and made a quick save low to his right but could not hold on to it. The ball trickled out of the D and HT and Marton were quick to the scene to stop the oncoming HMM forward taking the easy chance. The ball cannoned of the forward’s knee and into the area and Cohen grasped the ball with a sigh of relief but the ball was adjudged to be outside the area and the penalty was awarded.
Man on the scene Marton had this to say to support his keeper.
“It was well out, that Cohen is a right ol’ nob!”
The penalty was taken well and the fury were fighting back from 2-0 down.
Dalton fired a ferocious drive into the top corner to make it 2-1 with a minute to go, but the game was spoilt by Cohen’s antics in goal who was sin binned and effectively out of the rest of the game for shouting at the ref.
“Well played Dalts. That’s 1-1 now if you take away the f***ing bulls**t!”
2-1 and Fury’s first loss of the season.
Sorry for cocking it all up lads. I owe you all one.
Good debut from Hicksy as ringer, and another solid week from Smithy who was composed as anyone at the back, Marton who made some vital interceptions, Gammy who so nearly equalised and got hs first for the Fury and HT who battled well and hide showing a great maturity and level of responsibility.
Well played Dalts, Man of the match and now Fury top scorer with 5.
SPOTLIGHT ON THE DARLEKS – 2 losses this week and we found out their striker once got outscored by a bird in a mixed 5-a-side tournament! Ha ha!
Quote of the Day:
Jim to HT - "How did Darlo do in the play-offs mate?"
HT to Jim - "We did not make it in and you bloddy know it!"
Friday, May 13, 2005
MATCH REPORT - WEEK 5
For saying it was the last game of the season the atmosphere was dry, in fact almost non-existent, with the Fury team even deciding to travel in separate tube coaches, maybe the hierarchal managerial structure was beginning to bow at the knees, or was it just the beer Gammy had at lunch making him sleepy!!
Whatever it was the Fury had no time to dwell on their past glories and the uncertain days ahead. Arriving early, the Future were thrown into an early tussle with HMM due to the late coming of Golden Oldies, surely a crime that would only generate 3 lost points for the Fury, maybe getting on with the referee' s does stand you in good stead.
The game was a fairly entertaining 0-0. Fairly entertaining to play in, but so entertaining to watch or read about, so thats all I will say on the matter.
At full time the Fury team left the field with a confused mixture of dejection and jubilation. Simply pleased for the point the 0-0 draw had generated the players started reflecting on the game gone past. Jim, the ever positive Manager was trying to pick out the good points claiming
"We played well, the passing was there and I think we could have beaten them!!"
To which Crusher Cowan, unusually quiet by his own omission, claimed to Jim
"What's the point in two of you marking the thrower?!?"
The team fell silent..... "
What's the point in two of you marking the thrower?!?" He repeated....."What's the point in two of you marking the thrower?!?"........." What's the point in two of you marking the thrower?!?"........... ."Why don't you just stay with your man?!?"
Crusher proclaimed to Jim, finally finding the right words to sink into the ginger skull of the Gaffer. Cowan then strode off with his northern partner, the Marton, to rue the games misses, with Cowan heard muttering words of disgust at the teams lack of chances before unleashing his pent up anger on a game of northern keepie uppie. On their return, they found their fellow Furyites still exchanging banter from the last game, until the closing statements of
"We could have beaten them" was matched by....."
But they had four one on one's and we didn't have one shot on target" soon silencing any optimists. The only good things to come out of this game were Tom the Cat Denning's superb man of the Match performance, stopping all that came at him, even though most were stopped with his arse, and the half-time oranges provided by Marton. "Mmmmmmmmm they were succulent and refreshing", the team bellowed in unison!! Next up, The Wharf Boys..........
3-0 down with 5 minutes to go, it had not of been the best of starts!
Defensive errors and poor positional sense had seen the normally water tight back line exposed on more than a few occasions, and Tom The Cat could do nothing more than look on is despair.
The game ended 3-1. A consolation from Cohen, who held the ball up well, turned his man and fired hard into the top corner, but this was little comfort for a team that had now only attained 1 point from 12.
Still, we are not down and no one got sent off this week.
Big up must go to the Darleks, everybody's second favorite Elms league team. Good luck in the Championship boys. We hope we are still here when you get promoted next season!
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Big Match Preview: Following this season sucessful community work, The Fury go into tonights mid season finale knowing they cannot go down, or win the league. "Rather pointless turning up if you ask me!"
Friday, April 29, 2005
Evans does a Cohen
Well we won and draw, but we kept 2 more clean sheets so it was a great night overall.
No full match report this week as its sunny and I am going out to the pub for lunch rather than write this and Evs is busy trying to not loose his mag or something.
Shame really as Evs scored a right ol' cracker!
But you will never hear about it.
GOAL CHART SO FAR
Ginger Nuts - 3
Panini - 2
Sid - 1
Crusher - 1
Whose Hot Toddy again?
Best wishes go out to Crusher who missed the game having his hand amputated. Get well soon son.
Jim forgot his astros and so had to nick some scabby old chavs trainers from a schools lost property box.