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Future Fury: April 2005
Future Fury
Friday, April 29, 2005
 
Evans does a Cohen
Well we won and draw, but we kept 2 more clean sheets so it was a great night overall.

No full match report this week as its sunny and I am going out to the pub for lunch rather than write this and Evs is busy trying to not loose his mag or something.

Sorry

Shame really as Evs scored a right ol' cracker!

But you will never hear about it.

Ever!

GOAL CHART SO FAR
Ginger Nuts - 3
Panini - 2
Sid - 1
Crusher - 1

Whose Hot Toddy again?

Best wishes go out to Crusher who missed the game having his hand amputated. Get well soon son.
 

Jim forgot his astros and so had to nick some scabby old chavs trainers from a schools lost property box.  Posted by Hello
Thursday, April 28, 2005
 
Furious Extermination - Big Match Preview
The Fury face a double header tonight against Deportivo Darleks with out 3 key players.
Mark 'Crusher' Cowan is having his webbed hands fixed, John 'Hot' Toddy is on deadline for his mag and Tom 'The Cat' Denning is feeling a bit sick!

A disgruntled manager addressed a packed press room earlier today.

"I am disappointed we wont be taking a full squad for tonight's important games. The Darleks are a good team and we will need to be on top of our game to beat them. Goals have been hard to come by recently and Toms skills in goal have helped us win a few games by the odd goal. Without his keeping skills and HT's threat up top, I am concerned about how things may go.

"It would be a shame to break our current run. We are unbeaten and have had 3 clean sheets out of 4 games and I had high hopes for tonight."

Speaking on the absence on Crusher Cowan, Cohen appeared less concerned.

"He has been a great asset this season, but I am glad he is sorting out his webbed hands. It's well freaky."

FUTUREFURY.BLOGSPOT PREDICTION: 2-1 and 1-1
 

SQUAD PHOTO  Posted by Hello
 
SQUAD PROFILES (ReVisited)
Team Photo from left to right - Back row, front row

Jonathan Todd
Squad number : 9
Nickname : Hot Toddy
Position : Striker
Appearances : Yes
Goals : Lots, unless he’s in the middle of a goal drought, in which case, very few, normally none.
Interesting Fact : Another Northy, so far North that people who come from there are made of cardboard. Doesn’t say much, but what he does say is definitely Northern, and normally quite angry. Once became so agitated at Ginger Nuts’ poor zonal marking he exploded on the spot, showering miniscule fragments of his Darlington shirt over Docklands and surrounding areas.
Pledge : Attend an anger management course.

Jim Cohen
Squad number : 7
Nickname : Ginger Nuts
Position : Midfield
Appearances : More than most
Goals : Not as many as most. But some really long range screemers! (Added by Jim)
Interesting Fact : Delivered Fury an unprecedented relegation in his first full season in charge. Pilloried, bullied and roundly abused by the rest of the team, as well as Island Garden chavs, who have offered gifts of phlegm and eggs in return for cheap lanky ginger thrills. Given recent vote of confidence but still considered pretty fucking useless by all concerned.
Pledge : To continue renaming football terms. Such as “halt-time” for “half-time”. Also promises to wash more.

James Evans

Squad number : 4
Nickname : Sidies
Position : Full-back / goalkeeper
Appearances : 24 exactly
Goals : Three – all corkers
Interesting Fact : Is so deadly accurate, scores all of his goals through the side-netting without the opposition team or referee noticing. Also has side-burns. And a massive cock. Called Beryl; who is 3 this April.
Pledge : 1 - To stop moaning at refs. 2 – To get sent off again. 3 – To reintroduce the long-ball game and showcase it in soccer schools the length and breadth of the UK – not including Scotland.

Matt Dalton
Squad number : 10
Nickname : Panini
Position : Midfield
Appearances : Can be deceptive
Goals : Two. Each about 8ft wide and 3ft high. One at each end of the pitch. With nets.
Interesting Fact : Contracted sickening football injury in second game of the new season – sprained index finger. His fleet of foot is a true sight to behold as he floats around the playing surface like a holy apparition of footiocity.
Pledge : Not a patch on Mr Sheen

Martin Dickson
Squad number : 2
Nickname : Marton
Position : Full-back
Appearances : Lots
Goals : Not a sausage
Interesting Fact : Holds world record for number of consecutive knee keepy-up’s. (Six). Real name actually Marton, an old Northern word for coal.
Pledge : Promises to have a shot at goal by the end of this season and to create a full range of Future Fury branded merchandise, from mouse mats, to mug, replica shirts, to crotchless panties. (Worringly, Cowan has already requested two pairs of these, giving his own waist-size).

Neil Smith
Squad number : 8
Nickname : Kick Me
Position : Striker
Appearances : Yes. When he’s not out getting shit-faced the previous night
Goals : Many. Can sniff out the onion bag like a drug hound on speed
Interesting Fact : Couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo in the first week of the season – subsequently transfer-listed. The Britpop ballwinner is the Spice Boy of the team, for the simple reason that everyone else is exceedingly ugly.
Pledge : To get kicked more

Gavin Ogden

Squad number : 4
Nickname : Three Quarters
Position : Attacking defender.
Appearances : Criterion, Apollo and Doncaster Belle Vue theatres (see below).
Gulls : Nope. Prefers pigeons.
Interesting Fact : Another member of the Northern contingent and Fury’s leading marksman last season with, ahem, two. Plays as if he is treading over hot coals. Was a regular in Michael Flatley’s original Riverdance production. Also knocks out a mean tune on the flute.
Pledge : Recreate the entire Future Fury experience in computer game form ... (to make it more real).

Mark Cowan

Squad number : 6
Nickname : No Name
Position : Midfield powerhouse
Appearances : Four
Goals : You must be joking
Interesting Fact : A right proper cunt.
Pledge : To shake hands at the end of every game

Tom Denning
Squad number : 1
Nickname : The Cat
Appearances : When Pascale allows
Goals : Give the lad a break, he's a keeper!
Interesting Fact : Recently hired by Greenpeace to position his mahoosive head in the way of the sun's glorious rays to slow down the melting of the polar ice caps. This has been a raving success thus far, though the intense sunlight is said to be doing the lad's impending baldness "no favours atall".* (* Quote : Dr Richard Head, Chief Head Specialist, University Hospital of Fat-Heads, Headingly)

Chris Gamm
Squad number : 3
Nickname : Gammy
Appearances : Many and varied
Goals : None yet, but he's like a rusty coiled spring ready to unleash hell on the opposition ... soon ... we're told.
Interesting Fact : A fine product of manager Ginger Nuts' national recruitment drive that saw tours, roadshows and open-days the length and breadth of the country. Infact, he was the only recruit. And a Palace fan at that. Bloody hell norra. Plays like Attillio Lombardo. On crack.
Friday, April 22, 2005
 
Marton's Dad's Company.
http://www.standrewstravel.com/redirect/page.pl?url=/aboutus.html
 

I been shiften coal all day Posted by Hello
 

Week 2 Posted by Hello
 
Sergeant Ginger!
Future Fury 1 - 0 Goldenoldies
Future Fury 2 - 0 Loughton FC


Even though Cowan had recently undertaken the 'circle of life' the Fury turned up to the second weeks matches in fairly high spirits. Some obvious nerves were there to be seen, apart from Ginger Nuts who had soothed any worries he may have had by going down the pub all afternoon, drinking beer though, not Coke.

Sid and Marton were back after fixing and filling their pipes respectively to replace the absent Hot Toddy and Kick Me.

The Fury lined up with Ginger Nuts on the bench, looking a little jaded, as were the team as a slow first half created few chances. Goldenoldies were dictating the pace of the game and slowing things down when ever they could, but Sid and Marton did their best with some fine runs down the flanks.

On one occasion Marton was clean through on goal, but seeing the ball was on his left foot, the former fork lift truck driver turned down the opportunity for almost certain stardom, and passed square instead.

"Why didn't you shoot Marton?"

"It was on my chuffin' left foot. It's not been any good since the Bolton Coal Mining accident of '56!"

Unfortunately, the next two times Marton was through he did shoot. Half time score 0 - 0.

The second half saw an increase in tempo and Cowan fired high, wide and very ugly straight from the off, then proceeded to explain to Evs why his bad positional sense had affected his piss poor shot. Northerners!

Panini started to dominate midfield and was creating chances a plenty for Ginger Nuts and Crusher. Ginger Nuts had a chance to put Fury in the lead with a chance midway through the half, but the low drive cannoned off the far post. Fury knew they could win this game if only they could create that one crucial opportunity.

On one break, Panini was bombing through the heart of the Goldenoldies defense and saw options on either flank with Sid and Ginger Nuts both free. Panini assessed the situation wisely and laid a through ball to Ginger Nuts, who controlled, turned and calmly side footed the ball past the comically exposed keeper and ensured Future would continue their fine start to the season. Sid looked a little upset his equally good position was overlooked but the team were all sure his chance would come, unfortunately it did and he cocked it up. Well done Panini!

Loughton was always going to be a tough test and The Fury knew this game could mean the difference between a 2nd place finish or a dirty old relegation battle.

Loughton lived up to their usually dirty antics and tried to bully their way into a lead, something which The Cat simply would not allow as he set his eyes on his 3rd clean sheet in 4 games.

Gamma was starting to find his feet and played some lovely one touch passes that set up numerous Fury attacks, but with no HT in the team the goals were not so easy to come by.

0 - 0 at half time and the Fury were looking comfortable if not spectacular.

Dalton went off for Marton and Ginger Nuts moved into midfield, grumbling about how we should keep the midfield 'pin-up' on the pitch seeing as were had not scored yet, obviously doubting his own potential to score.

Not being one to blow my own trumpet, (seeing as I, Ginger nuts am at the keyboard now) you may wish to brush over the next paragraph. After seasons upon season of modest match reporting and post game analysis that ignored my genius, I am finally succumbing to what is commonly known around the Highbury area as 'shouting my mouth off.'

Through on goal and about to score Crusher was cynically brought down by one of the Loughton massive. The offending player was ordered off but refused to leave the field of play and stood in front of the ball, which Ginger Nuts had placed on the pitch, ready to shoot.

Ginger Nuts - "Yeah, see you later mate."

Loughton player did not budge.

GN - "See you later mate!"

No movement.

GN - "See you later sunshine!"

Loughton hard man (In comedy Frank Butcher voice) - "Yeah, I will!"

As soon as the Loughton man was off, Ginger Nuts seized on the opportunity to catch the opposition keeper off guard and fired in a fire bolt of an arrow of a boosh-daddy of a beauty into the far corner. 1-0 Fury all down to me!

Sorry.

I wont be like that ever again.

Felt good though.

Later on Crusher got another and some other stuff happened, but more importantly Ginger Nuts made an awesome tackle and generally saved the day.

Oh bugger. Sorry. It's contagious!

Crusher's goal was actually a real cracker. Left foot from an acute angle. No chance for the keeper.

Another great Fury performance, solid defending, creative and hardworking midfield with some potent striking. And what a difference a Denning makes! We still defend as well as we used to, but the few shots that do get by our resolute back line are comfortably gobbled up by the big mans big hands! Evil Lord Denning, I salute you!

We are now second in the league thanks to Loughton taking 3 points of HMM.

Chance!

Man of the Match - Matt Dalton.

I leave you with the ranting of a coal obsessed northern fork lifter.

"Well after leaving you at 11pm last night I eventually got home at 2am! Fatality on the tracks at Mortlake so the train waited at Barnes for 45mins, I then wandered around Barnes and got lost - then got train to Twickenham and then had to ask directions home off some Southern strangers at 1.30am and walked home. Never would have happened on the old steam engine system! FOOKIN BOLLOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!! At least we won."
Friday, April 15, 2005
 

Solid Start Posted by Hello
 

After securing a new £2.52 kit deal, Ginger Nuts secured 2 points for the Fury. "Chavtastic! Posted by Hello
 
Crusher Cowan capitalizes on Cowardly Challengers.
A man of the match performance for Mark 'Crusher' Cowan ensured The Fury started off their Premiership campaign with 2 well earned draws last night as points were picked up against title favorites HMM and Wharf boys. Players from both opposition sides were heard to be very confident of the win last night, before a battling Fury team upset the odds.

"We thought it would be an easy 3 points."A cocky Wharf Boy's spokesman grumbled.

"We have never dropped points against Future Fury before and we did not think we would tonight. Especially with that long haired fella we normally kick about he field absent!"
Against HMM, the Fury looked a little edgy to start with. Manager Cohen had only 6 players to pick from with Smithy, Evs, Saul and Marton all unavailable for selection.

"Playing in the Premiership is a completely different kettle of fish to the division below, and we knew it would be tough. Neither HMM or Wharf Boys have ever finished outside of the top 2, so we knew this would be tougher than a northern lump of coal that happened to be one of the hardest in its group of friends, which as a whole were all pretty tough anyway."

Gamm on debut look nervous to begin with but quickly got into the stride of the game, fitting in on the right of midfield and playing with the assurance and cockiness of a former Fury great.

"He reminded me of watching a young James Evans." Cohen reminisced. "His pace and touch were there for all to see. I just hope he avoids the mid twenties drop in form and gain in weight!"

Dalton looked assured in midfield and his threat from the middle of park was clear to see. Fury's defense stood firm in the first half with Ginger Nuts and Crusher making some fine tackles and interceptions. Anything that did slip through was dealt with confidently by returning Cat, 'Tom "where's my shin pads" Denning,' who made some fine saves and commanded his area with the confidence of a man who knows he does not have to cook or clean for himself ever again.

The second half saw the Fury gain in confidence and chances were created for Ginger Nuts on more than one occasion. Posts were shaved and side nettings were ruffled as the on looking home fans chanted somewhat verbosely for one of the chances to fall to someone who could actually get one on target.

"Cohen, Cohen. Ginger-Ginger Cohen. He gets the ball and tries to beat one player, then looses it, then falls over a little and somehow gets it back and eventually passes, but much too late to find the free man who is now marked up, and so goes for goal but because he relies entirely on power, 9 times out of ten they fly high wide and not very handsome. Cohen, Cohen. Ginger..."

The win just wasn't to be but the Fury had come away with a well-earned point against a team who surely again will challenge for the top spot. On this form and with these sorts of performances, maybe Fury too, would be up there with them at the end of the season.

"Well that depends on Evs' pipes" Cohen snipped.

A quick turnaround, which included The Cat filling out the match card which Ginger Nuts had 'forgotten' to do, and onto the Wharf Boys.

This game was always going to be tasty. Like a chicken Ceaser salad, followed by Beef Wellington, Crème Brulee and perhaps a generous cheese board. You could almost feel the tension as the two Elms greats stood face to face with each other. Faces snarled, boots polished and socks fully pulled up.

Man o' man. 6 on 6. Well, actually, 6 on 5 as one Wharf Boy had booted the ball over the fence and The Yellows were forced to start a man down. The remaining players proceeded to play at a slower pace than Paula Radcliff in the final 5 miles of an Olympic Marathon, and took up the first 5 mins with free kicks, throw ons and generally being 'cheating little farts!'

Back to full strength, the Fury defenses was tested with 'Blue shorts' starting to create a lot of space for the rest of the team as the Fury double teamed the dangerous front man.

But when times are tight, The Fury come together stronger than ever, and HT, Dalts and Gammy held the ball up well giving the back three of Crusher, Cat and Cohen some much needed relief.

Chances were few and far between, and the game reached half time at 0-0.

With no subs available, the Fury battled on, heavy legged but with a fire in their hearts.

A quick break form midfield saw the Wharf Boys take the lead, but the Fury heads never dropped and 1-0 down, the team began to assert them selves. No more than Crusher Cowan who had decided that whatever the result, he was going to try and get as close to every Wharf Player as possible. Of course this intimacy always began with a 20 yard run up at full pace with no deceleration at the end!

Fortunately...

A quick free kick from Dalts saw the referee get an inadvertent touch; Wharf broke quickly leaving the Fury exposed at the back. They gambled with numbers but did not count for a fine tackle from Crusher, who instantly fed Dalton who had remained on the edge of the box. Dalts turned and scored a cracking Fury goal.

...happened before Cowan was sin binned for his third offence, but the Fury resolve held firm for a draw and OUR FIRST EVER POINTS AGAINST THE BOYS IN YELLOW!

Boosh Daddy oh!

What a night, what a result.

Great debut from Gammy, Great come back from The Cat. Great goal from Dalton. Great performance from HT. Great prediction from Ginger Nuts.

Man of the match - Mark Cowan

Good work fellas. We now know we can compete in this league as long as we have a team to field, points will be earned.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
 
Premiership Preview
Future Fury go into tonight’s premiership curtain raiser against HMM and bitter rivals Wharf Boys with the news that injured midfield playmaker Nick Judd will not be back until October at the earliest.

A Club doctor said the risks of a come back any sooner could risk the players long-term future.

‘We have assessed Nick this week and advised him to do some light exercise and strengthening routines but he should not run on it for at least another few moths.’

The news comes as a blow as news filtered in earlier this afternoon that Defenders Sid and Marton and midfielders Smithy and Saul would miss tonight’s match.

This leaves the Fury down to the bare bones and they will be forced to field rookie signing Chris Gamm who was seen out last night drinking in a local pub.

‘I was no worse than Cowen and Evs who [Cut for Public viewing, ed.]’

Manager Cohen is confident though, despite these setbacks.

‘I have set a target of 15 points this season, and we all know Wharf and HMM will be in the mix. Anything we get tonight would be a bonus but I will stick my neck out and say 2 points would be a minimum.’
Friday, April 08, 2005
 

Join Us! Posted by Hello
 
A Head Start
The Fury today anounced the signing of Former Future 11-a-side GK Tom Denning.

The middle-class 'cat' joins just 6 days before the start of the season, and has eased fans fears of having to see James 'Sid' Evans in goal again, who now drops down to 6th choice stopper.

'I am delighted to secure his services' Manager Jim 'Ginger Nuts' Cohen beemed, 'he is a world class stopper but has previously been otherwise entertained but now we have secured his services for the next 10 weeks and I am delighted.'

Elsewhere, rumours of Nick Judds comeback have been confirmed with the midfield man said to be starting light jogging and balls skills this week. Ginger nuts addressed an excited gathering:

'We are very happy with his progress and hope to see him back for the early summer league.'
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
 
A Juddery Start
Rumors are flying that former Fury legend Nick Judd is close to a full come back after nearly a year out with a slight big toe injury.

The midfield maestro was instrumental in the Fury's first season championship winning side, but then quit to conecentrate on his local Sunday league teams efforts.

'I wanted to pit myself against some better players. Don't get me wrong, Toddy and Smithy were great players, but Evs and Jim were simply appalling, but now I am back. I think I will use the quieter 6-a-side surroundings to get my fitness and form back.'
Friday, April 01, 2005
 
From Marton's Dad - 'Legend' is in the genes.
Dear Sir,

As the reuters international sports correspondent based in Basle Switzerland , your recent success has been brought to my attention by the BBC director of sport.

On behalf of all sports fans all over the world I am thrilled at the reults you have achieved and the clear sense of committment exhibited by all the players in the squad. True team performance linked with upholding the very essence of sportsmanship is rarely displayed these days and it must make you all very proud to be now held up as a prime example of these very principles.

In your newly promoted environs it could be very simple to forget these principles but I urge you to remember the words of Mahatma Gandhi "We must become the change we want to see "

Nevertheless it is paramount that in striving to uphold your principles and being in a league that could well be beyond you it is important that having fun with friends is as important as winning even the world cup.

Confucius said "If you want creative players give them time to play"

Good luck with your endeavours and on behalf of sports man and women everywhere , in every corner of the globe.............................

THANK YOU FUTURE FURY
 

'So that's two Meat feasts and a Ham and Cheese.' Posted by Hello
 

Too good. Posted by Hello
 

Benched! 'Alright lads, I promise not to shoot anymore, let me play!' Posted by Hello
 

On the Volly! Posted by Hello
 

What you hiding Ginge? Posted by Hello
 

On tonights menu, 'Left foot pile drivers.' Posted by Hello
 

A true fire burns in this one Posted by Hello
 

A legend honoured Posted by Hello
 

Cohen reveals his tactics. Posted by Hello
 

Chuffin' nora! Posted by Hello
 

Drink it in boys Posted by Hello
 

Where's My Team Sheet? Posted by Hello
 

Our Victorious Championship Night! Posted by Hello
 
Word from the Gaffer
I am so proud, a tear was shed reading Evs magnificant match report. Well done boys!

Quick mention to all who played, including Gav! What a season!

Neil Smith - Great solid season again! What a player!
Marton - Reads it better than most. 3rd in player of the season.
Gav - Tricky utility man, will be sorley missed.
Evs - Goals and clean sheets! What more could you ask for?
Saul - Solid ringer. Rumours abound for a perminant signing!? 2nd in Loyalty award.
Toddy - Goal machine! Bit angry though. 2nd in player of the season.
Dalts - Superb season, Ran most games.
Cowan - Great first season, solid, aggressive and the best drinker!

The Howard Malone Award for Player of the Season!

Matt Dalton - Well deserved. Legend.

The Cheers for Turning up Loyalty Award for outstanding services to the Fury fire.

Marton - Nobody does it better.

Golden Boot

Hot Toddy. Who else?


Word!
 

Jim 'Aphex Twin' Cohen Posted by Hello
 
CHAMPIONS!
Battle frenzied nutters, saliva drooling from saggy jaws, larynx’s spilling out old Western war chants with dilated pupils, psyching out the opposition; the bitches, the ENEMY.

Anyway, less of the Wharf Boys, Future Fury also had a game, and while Marton went through his much-trodden ritual of scattering coal across the penalty areas, Toddy limbered up on the touchline growing typically angry about disease, world famine, and Darlo’s 2-0 home reverse to Kidderminster a week ago.

It had been rumoured that fourteen shops in Darlington town centre had to be closed as Future’s bowl-haired mountain of rage flew into a psychotic trance following a sixth home reverse of the season.

Actual that’s bollocks, and a hilarious piece of April Fools Gaggology by your erstwhile Future Fury match report journo. There was a real giveaway that this was me extending the boundaries of truth – Darlington doesn’t have 14 shops does it?

Anyway, the proverbial chavs of the Baker Street slags sloped down to “da City”, knowing that anything less than manager Jim Cohen’s 25-point target would see the gaffer opening his mighty wallet frittering out notes like a short-sighted crack addict at his dealer’s pad.

Imagine our disgust then when the first opponents did a Middlesbrough-style no-show. Yet no excuses of illness, broken limbs, players falling into coma’s. Infact, no excuses at all.

Suddenly the Fury realised that winning the next match, while securing the league title in style, would actually mean Cohen fulfilled his pre-season prediction, and thus would get out of buying the team beers.

With this in mind players starting picking up little tweaks. Marton got knee-rash from too many keepy-up’s, Cowan’s fat arse enlarged to the size of a small African country and Smudge … well, he was just shite for most of the evening anyway.

Regardless, by the time Norfolk & Good turned up for the last game of the season, the team had recovered, and expecting a fair battle against the 2nd-placed team the match kicked off.
And that was about as close as it got. Before touching the ball, Toddy, having heavily greased up the soles of his marker’s shoes, saw the defender pirouette out of his way ala Christopher Dean, leaving Darlo’s golden son to bury one in.

The match continued in similar vein, and aided by some filthy tackling by Fury which ended a Norfolk player’s career, the goals continued to flow. So many goals infact that the assembled mass of press and statisticians were hurriedly flicking through their Rothmans Annuals …

Liverpool 9-0 Crystal Palace
Man United 9-0 Ipswich Town
Notts Forest 1-8 Man United
Future Fury ?-? Norfolk & Good

Credit to the opponents, who had long since given up defending … (and attacking for that matter) by the time Marton waltzed through for a groundbreaking chance on goal.

After three long seasons, endless heartache and three failed applications to the David Beckham / Speedie / Icke Soccer School, the Bolton Wonder propped up his bag of coal to one side of the pitch and hared through on goal. Would this be the moment when he finally broke his duck? He collected Toddy’s blood-riddled pass before thundering a laser-guided missile, on its route to goal taking out birds, trees, a collection of small boys and another bag of coal.

The crowd gasped, gravestones wobbled, the bullies who throw eggs at Jim put their chickens down. Was this the moment? Was it really going to happen, after all this time?

Then. A voice from the back.

“’Es only gawn and cocked it ain’t he? ‘Es put it daan the keepa’s froat? Wot a plum.”

And sure enough, he had. Mummy Marton went back to feeding the whippet, Cohen wiped some more albumen off of his ginger clothes, and Toddy muttered almost incoherently “That’s the last time I put it ont plate for you, ya Lancs wank” as he hurled a whole coal mine in poor Marton’s direction.

But then something strange happened. Almost as if Marton’s butch knees had started some catastrophic world tremor, the ball swerved in the air.

The keeper flounced, his weak puny and pathetic hands grappled desperately with this dirty pea-roller of an airborne shot (if such a thing is possible).
A flick off the glove, a bulging of the net. A GOAL!

Marton had done it. From almost bungling buffoon to quite possibly what will be remembered as the greatest ever Elms goal, MY NAME IS MARTON had only gone and bloody done it.

(Obviously, it still didn’t surpass either of the two strikes by James Evans, Future XI-aside’s record Golden Boot winner of all time, since records began, post and pre-war, but good effort anyway Marton).

Armed with half of Casio’s global range of scientific calculators, it soon became evident that keeping up with the scoring would have been impossible.
For the record, Toddy won the Golden Boot Award helped in no small part by three goals in the game, lardy-arse Cowan similarly got a hattrick, though was modest about his achievements after the game, mentioning it only 47 times.

Sidies and Dalts, two each, Marton and Cohen a single goal, along with Smudge, who as well as a fine strike ended up with a tidy severance package and a plea not to turn up next season.

Future Fury 13-0 Norfolk & Good
A word of note to Cohen as well, who through sheer stupidity / sportsmanship, not withstanding one initial warning from the ref, decided to venture out of the penalty box ala Schmeichel.

Our whiney turnip of a ref took great pleasure in pointing to the spot after Ginger Nuts ventured outside of the box, then looked on aghast as Cohen pulled off a tremendous one-handed and heavily lanky legged save to keep the opponents’ goal tally as zilchio.

I thought to end the season off I might compose a little ditty to see us through that barren pre-season period, when we’re forced to spend afternoons down the park with girlfriends talking about the latest L’Oreal range, pretending to show interest in the colour of flowers, office gossip and salads. These are testing times guys, but for the love of God, be strong. Think of it as a challenge to end all challenges - no footy on the telly, only cricket. And sports with horses. Or worse still, bowls.

In other words, see you in two weeks. God stead to you all. BE STRONG.

Ode to Fury

Future Fury, Future Fury
At one time as potent as tomato puree
But world-beaters now, thanks to gaffer Cohen
That lanky ginger streak of ever growing …

(Err. Gingerness).

25 points the target set
The manager’s pants a worrying sign of wet
Guiding us on a path so rarely trodden
His winter thermals now totally sodden

Last week of the season, promotion assured
But Cohen’s punditry surely flawed?
Less than two wins would see him paying for beer
(Something he’s not done too much this year)

First opponents bottle the game
Ginger-nuts senses glory and fame
Second opponents? Crock of shit
Four-eyed monster gets away with it

But respect where it’s due to Champion Jim
Each player does doth their cap to him
At the end of the day you’ve got to have thick skin
When your fiancé looks like Aphex Twin.

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