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Future Fury: “EASY. EASY. EASY. EASY … “
Future Fury
Friday, June 03, 2005
Struggling for position like Mark Cowan on a gay jaunt around a soap factory, Future Fury’s downward spiral embraced previously untapped proportions of uselessness on Thursday night as Clueless Cohen led his troops to back-to-back league defeats.

The Laser Blue Losers now sit bottom of the Premiership, grasping pathetically at any crumb of comfort having mustered up the firepower of tatty water pistol.

Displaying all the tactical nous of a scrotum, Cohen drummed his troops up beforehand by previewing two must-win games against Athletico North Trust, officially the worst team in the league.

Imagine how we laughed then as perennial champions Wharf Boys strode onto the Island Gardens playing surface, greased limbs shimmering like metallic beacons in the dappled early evening sunlight.

“Aah bollocks, what the blazers are them lot doing here?” came the shout from a confused Fury member.

Looking to Ginger Nuts for an answer, the usual blank pug-faced, shrugged shouldered expression came back, and like it or not the Fury were in for a roasting.

The first-half was an even affair though; Dalton operating as a midfield lynchpin (he was meant to be a striker, but more of that later); Cowan operating as a midfield battle ram (he was meant to be a footballer); and Saul operating as a pacy winger (he was meant to be at home watching Neighbours).

Goalless at the interval, goalkeeper Sid announced he was in the zone, “just call me Jerzy” came the cry from the balding warrior, “I’m staying in nets goddam you, mofo’s”.

Predictably then, within two minutes of the restart, Wharf Boys’ leggy streak of urine strode through, brushing off the attentions of Marton and his seven knees, to stab the opener into the far corner.

Elastic-limbed Cohen began the fightback, timewasting nicely in the corner, and as Dalts became even more frustrated at the lack of openings in the final third, Gammy added to the pressure by ballooning over when it looked easier to score.

Streaky plundered a second in the dying seconds and Fury had it all to do in the second match. Surely they couldn’t lose this one as well?You bet your life they fokkin could.

To sum up opponents Athletic North Trust prior to kick-off. This bunch of misfits are the sweaty scabby pimple on the tanned arse of football’s HFS Loans League. They are a festering pustule of phlegm, delivered from the throat of an unkempt gypsy whose last wash was involuntarily brought when flicking through the TV times and stumbling across a picture of Vanessa Feltz in a poolside fashion shoot. So then …

Athletic North Trust 2-0 Future Fury

That hardly painted the picture though. Gammy went through early on and ballooned over when it looked easier to score, Dalts ran just short of a marathon around the penalty box without once having a pop, Cowan – seemingly on drugs again for much of the night - started a small earth tremor in Malawi with a canon off of the goalpost, while Saul, Cohen and even Marton also punted at goal.

Sometimes, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Sometimes, the Gods aren’t smiling.

Sometimes, Gammy balloons it when it looks easier to score.

Sometimes, the referee is a cunt. Infact, that’s most of the time … if not all of the time.

Sometimes, great teams get relegated. Think … Norwich, Palace, Southampton, and Leigh RMI.

As Uri Geller once muttered, “draw strength from weakness” – analyse all that your opponents can’t do, then force them to do it. His other motto was “anybody got a spare key”, but that’s irrelevant.

Just remember though troops, it could always be worse. Blackburn once had a footballer called Simon Stainrod who once came up against Luton midfielder Ashley Grimes. I’ll leave the rest for your imagination. If your brain can’t stretch that far, Cowan has photos …
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